Must Goats Always be One Night Stands?

A Sudanese man has been caught perpetrating prurient acts upon a solitary defenceless goat.

The goat's owner, Mr. Alifi, surprised the not so surreptitious man with his goat on the 13th February after hearing a climactic cacophony at around midnight. Upon discovering the amorous couple, he took the perpetrator to a council of village elders, where he was then ordered to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) for the goat's hoof in marriage.

According to Mr Alifi:

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together. When I asked him: What are you doing there?, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured [him] and tied him up. They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife".



In light of my earlier experiences with Islam, I thought the "female" goat might have incurred the displeasure of being brought before a Sharia Court and sentenced to a public stoning. A persual of the inner monologues of Ayatolloah Khomeini served to clarify this tenebrous issue. As well as seemingly endorsing the legitimate courting of mammals, there also exists Islamic guidelines in relation to this concupiscent activity.

"A man can have sex with sheep, cows and camels and so on. However, he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm".

The assertion that the helpless beast - rather than the perverted individual who initiated the paroxysm of sexual abuse - is contaminated and worthy of death, instead of enduring a period of convalescence, is wonderfully Islamic. It would appear that achieving a state of obloquy within your community becomes a mere extenuating circumstance if you silence the object of your impulsive and shameful behaviour. I suppose it could be argued that a goat is asking for trouble if it continues to wander around alone at night on the equivalent of Clapham Common.

As for Ayatollah Khomeini, he isn't finished:

"He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village; however, selling the meat to the next door village should be fine".

What? Doesn't the buyer even deserve a discount on used goods?

Oh, and finally, I suppose I would have to settle for a sheep, as a camel would require a ladder and a great deal of difficulty.